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Stop self sabotaging relationships with 5 easy steps!
- Fernando Albert
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What Is Self-Sabotaging in Relationships?
Hi there! Are you feeling that perhaps you are self-sabotaging relationships? If you feel that jealousy, rejection, and intrusive thoughts are taking over your relationship, it might suffer or even break up. You perhaps can't control your fear, and I don't blame you; it is possible you have experienced some traumatic event in this or even past lives, so don't worry, here you will find the support you need!
Before we continue, I hope you are feeling fantastic, and from here, that you feel even better! We are touching base on another subject that a few of you asked me to talk about, so that's what this week is about. If you didn't check last week's article about being (or not) a people pleaser, you definitely want to check it out!
To go back to the subject, first, you need to know well what self-sabotage in a relationship is. Let's make it simple: imagine that your partner simply likes to take alone time to unwind, and you make it a problem because you fear they are either talking to somebody else or just avoiding you for a reason. Sound familiar? It could be true, but most likely it isn't. Quick tip: Communication is essential for relationships.
The Importance of addressing self-destructive relationship habits
Okay, so take a moment and think about it. Take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and let go. Good, let's do it again, shall we? Fantastic, now, let me ask you, "How do you feel in your relationship, and why?" Take time to answer this one, but answer it to yourself; no need to tell me.
It is possible you have a wonderful and profound relationship, and it is your fear getting in the way, or perhaps, some communication issues need to be addressed. What matters is to find the root of the cause and start working on it, because meanwhile, it is possible you are destroying a profound and very promising, potentially lifelong relationship.
The possibility is that you are consciously or unconsciously doing this. Normally, if you fear something or have negative beliefs, your unconscious desires that are not met, self-doubt, and discomfort triggers affect the relationship. But conscious self-sabotage is when you, for example, mess with your partner to make them get upset because it amuses you; in the end, they may cease to want to be with you if you are cruel.
Another reason is that sometimes there are things that, although they seem impossible to heal, by stepping up from self-sabotage or self-sabotaging relationship behavior, there is room for healing. You may realize that sometimes you believe that prevents something from healing, while your partner is fully invested in making it happen, pushing them away little by little, potentially making them feel wrong or unwanted.
Ultimately, for stability, having these self-sabotaging relationships doesn't contribute a cent. Because of this behavior, the relationship will experience more fights, feelings of rejection, separation, and unwantedness. Instead, find the real love in your heart for keeping your relationship, and start working on yourself.
What are the main causes?
Sometimes, you might not even understand the root cause of your feelings, and you simply experience them. But there are three main triggers that you should keep in mind:
Influence of low self-esteem and unrealistic expectations. You may experience low self-esteem because society imposes in your mind how you are supposed to look and everything you are missing if you don't. This also goes around class, intelligence... You name it. You are potentially self-sabotaging relationships because you don't even accept your partner's positive statements about you, leading to frustration.
The role of childhood trauma and early relationships. If you grew up in a broken family experiencing separation, witnessing abuse or huge confrontations, and not having day-to-day stability at home, you may not "know any better" and take this reality to your chosen family. Remember, you can do something about it to prevent this!
How fear of intimacy leads to destructive behaviors. Keep in mind, for each human being, sex and intimacy are cornerstones. Even if you have programmed yourself to "not care so much about sex" or you are trying to avoid it because you dislike yourself and can't understand how your loving partner can be sexually attracted to you, you are ultimately hurting both of you. There might be other fears or discomforts, but these always need to be addressed.
Any long-term consequences?
Ultimately, self-sabotaging relationships will render you alone, or at the very least, you will not be able to enjoy your relationship or your partner. Relationships are supposed to function harmoniously, but not with this behavior. Check out these adverse consequences:
- Difficulty forming healthy long-term relationships
- Chronic loneliness and emotional disconnection
- Repeated cycles of intimacy aversion
You certainly don't want to have these in your heart. Why don't you ask for help, starting with your partner? They will most likely be the ones willing to help you the most; after all, that is what a partner is for. If you don't find that, you need to clearly talk and work it out with your partner, but you don't need to be suffering all the time, because ultimately, everybody will.
Follow these 5 easy steps to Stop Self-Sabotaging Behavior
So you know the drill: you are aware of your struggles, and you are determined to start addressing them. If you are here with me, kudos to you, because you have already taken a significant step. If you still struggle, don't worry; give yourself some self-love and reflect on what is stopping you, why, and if you can do something about it or if you need additional support.
Keep in mind that it is not about experiencing a 180º shift but taking one step at a time. You only need to take one step after another until you reach your goal and find yourself finding healing. Start to take these into account and apply them the best way you can in your life:
- Identifying emotional triggers. This should be your first step; identifying the root of the problem helps you to start finding resolutions. If you understand your trigger, it will progressively stop, making you feel better and not "dominated" by these events.
- Learning to open up emotionally. Is your partner constantly asking you to open up, to share your emotions with them, and to please speak up? You have a very safe space to start opening up a little bit and inviting your partner to help you fix your root issues, especially if they are involved. This will yield progressive healing.
- Practicing vulnerability and communication. Following the above, your partner may be willing to support and listen to you. It doesn't matter if this is a rare trait and you haven't witnessed this in the past. If your current partner wants to help you heal, allow them. You are likely to be in the safest spot ever, but you can also practice this with trusted friends or therapists.
Give this fabulous guided meditation a try! It will focus on the three foundations of a relationship: love, communication, and sex. A great aid to repair relationships, too!
- Importance of self-awareness and responsibility. You need to be aware that you have a self-sabotaging relationship problem and that you want to address it. If you understand how important this is for your life, you will always find the energy to keep moving forward. If you are in an established relationship, you are likely to have responsibilities in your family, so you need to keep this in mind.
There is one more important point, especially if you struggle even with the abovementioned points:
- Working with therapists to address attachment styles. You may not be able to fix everything on your own, and that is okay. If you think you need additional help, don't hesitate to seek a therapist.
You know what? I am sure that deep down you want to feel better in your relationship, and you want your partner to be happy and share their life with you. It doesn't matter how "deep in you are"; even you can come out, and by starting with the smallest steps, you will see good results.
Enhance the Love – The Original Love Meditation
One key is to reinforce positive behaviors, because the more positive behaviors you add, the easier it is to attract more, thanks to the Principle of Vibration and Correspondence. Encouraging change without enabling is also a significant move here, and if you are the partner, focus on setting some boundaries, on them promoting their personal responsibility, and on honest communication.
Conclusion
In the end, you are healing, so you shouldn't put additional pressure on yourself or start feeling even worse because of your self-sabotaging relationship problems. Instead, start loving yourself, and understand this is your poor heart trying to speak up, so let it. Even you are deserving of love, and you too can build secure and healthy relationships, so every little bit of work on yourself is priceless.
FAQ
Q: What does it mean to self-sabotage a relationship?
A: You bring negative emotions, such as jealousy and doubt, from former traumas and fears, yielding negative impacts to the relationship.
Q: Why do people with childhood trauma often struggle in relationships?
A: People with childhood traumas may experience a lack of self-esteem, confidence, and even self-love, enabling more the fear of not being truly loved.
Q: How does fear of intimacy affect romantic partnerships?
A: When intimacy becomes a source of struggle and tension, even leading to sabotage, it hurts one of the foundations in the relationship. It is essential to address sex problems together and help when unable.
Q: What are the most common signs of self-sabotaging behavior?
A: Some common signs of self-sabotaging behavior are procrastination, avoidance, fear of success, imposter syndrome, and even an unhealthy perfectionism.
Q: Can low self-esteem lead to sabotaging your own relationship?
A: Absolutely! There is a popular motto out there (not mine) that says, "How can you love somebody else if you don't love yourself?" You won't be able to even feel the other person loves you, because you don't see that as possible, and with this alone, you push the other person away.
Q: Is gaslighting a form of self-sabotage?
A: Gaslighting is not only a form of self-sabotage in relationships but also a type of mental and emotional abuse. Gaslighting is unacceptable, the same way as using physical violence. If you gaslight your partner, stop immediately, and if you are the victim, speak up or seek support.
Q: How do I stop repeating toxic relationship patterns?
A: Meditation, self-reflection, practicing compassion, and taking care of your needs will set a strong foundation where you stop vicious circles.
Q: Can therapy help overcome fear of closeness?
A: Absolutely! You are not alone, and if you are dealing with any of these problems, you are not alone. Contact Crisis Text Line if you need support. On top, I will be happy to help you add yourself to my healing list and support you with some personalized free healing too, so feel free to reach out.
Q: What should I do if my partner is sabotaging our relationship?
A: If your partner is sabotaging your relationship, you need to bring it up and make them understand what is happening. If they don't listen, cooperate, or attempt to listen to your feelings, you already know this person is not worth your love, and you should consider moving on.
It is possible that there is some degree of self-sabotaging relationships in you; it is normal for everybody to make some mistakes. A healthy dose of this is not harmful if it's addressed, and if present, little by little address it from the root until it's gone. Feel confident in yourself; this is key, especially in how to not self-sabotage a new relationship, because if there is one, there is a reason you are loved. ​
Next Wednesday's article will be about yet another request from someone, although not about psychology this time (although I have some other pending subjects!). We will talk about the symbology of etheric angel wings. Stay tuned!
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I invite you to check earlier posts: ninth year, eighth year, seventh year, sixth year, fifth year, fourth year, third year, second year, and first year.
Love & Light,
Lots of blessings and abundance your way! (Home)
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