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Are you a People Pleaser? An easy guide to go back to well-being
- Fernando Albert
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A People Pleaser behavior goes beyond kindness/altruism, and it's not ideal
Hi there, how are you doing on this Wednesday? Another request came in to talk about being a people pleaser and the difference between people-pleasing and kindness or altruism. So let's go into finding out more, and if you feel you need help, you can find all the support you need.
Before we continue, did you have a chance to listen to November's Free Tarot Reading? I am sure it will help you out, and if you get yourself a copy of The Star meditation, you will be doing yourself a massive favor.
Now, to go back to the subject of being a people pleaser. If I ask you about it, what is the quickest thought you get? Are you one, or are you definitely not one? Take a few more moments if you want to think about it again.
What is it exactly? Define "people pleaser"
First of all, this is an informal term, not a clinical diagnosis, and it revolves around your socializing capabilities. If you are afraid to say no, always worried about what others think about you, and always overcommit to everything because you don't want rejection or you become afraid of being forgotten, you are likely a people pleaser, and it's time to start helping yourself more.
Don't worry if you are confused about how you are feeling about helping more or fewer people, being altruistic and providing undivided help, being a nice person of aid, and always supporting others around you. Down the road, you are a good person.
These are some of the common signs
You will see these to be real in your day-to-day life, but you have to be honest with yourself when checking.
- Difficulty saying "no." It is hard to say no; trust me, I know that well, but it is probable that you, too, have learned the hard way to say "no." You can start practicing saying "no" sometimes to good friends and family; it will become easier with more people down the road.
- Neglecting personal needs. This is a common one, where you don't care about yourself because of self-destructive thoughts, or simply because you believe "you can handle everything" and "you can always help everybody." Again, if you break down, you aren't helping anyone!
- Anxiety about disapproval. You are potentially worried about what everybody thinks. I know it is hard, but ask yourself if it's truly worth it. Others should love you for who you are, not because you are their personal helper!
- Overcommitting and avoiding conflict. Here, you not only say "yes," but you probably go all the way to feel appreciated, or at least, to not have negative repercussions that could push you away. Conflict avoidance is a general problem that shouldn't be ignored.
It is important that you don't keep on stretching and stretching for others, because guess what, it will snap, and you will break down, and you definitely don't want to be there. If you are already there, you can self-heal, regroup yourself, and stand up!
Causes of people-pleasing behavior
There is always a reason for everything. I am sure you haven't chosen to become a people pleaser, have you? A pathological people-pleaser disorder is when you only give to others but not yourself, to the point of damaging your life or those around you.
If this is your situation, I recommend you seek a mental health professional; they can help you, too! A quick recap of the causes:
- Low self-esteem
- Cultural and social expectations
- Trauma and the “fawn” response
- Social anxiety and fear of rejection
You are not alone, and if you are dealing with any of these problems, you are not alone. Contact Crisis Text Line if you need support. On top, I will be happy to help you add yourself to my healing list and support you with some personalized free healing, too, so feel free to reach out.
I have a people-pleaser personality; isn't that okay?
If you take proper care of yourself, honor your needs as you honor others', and have decent self-love, you might be truly altruistic. You rarely say "no," and you are always willing to help, but if you do this out of kindness and only positive feelings in your heart, instead of fears of rejection and others, you are following a good path. Keep in mind the damage if you overextend yourself constantly:
- Damaged Relationships. People will get used to you and, even unwillingly, take too much away. Those who are the closest to you might feel pain by seeing you self-destruct without even wanting to make an effort. Some will hurt and support you always, but others (friends and acquaintances) will run away.
- Chronic Stress and exhaustion. I can't imagine how exhausting it is to constantly overextend yourself for others. Well, I kind of imagine it, and I still see it in many kind and loving people. You don't have perpetual energy; you need to work on yourself, too, to help others.
- Self-neglect and resentment. You will start feeling that you have lost your life purpose. People will take away the very last drop of energy from you; it is sad, but a true fact for many human beings, and you need to protect yourself more.
- Identity confusion and passive aggression. This is a later phase, where you feel grudgy and dishonored because of how much others took from you and how little, perhaps, they gave you back when you needed it, promoting anger and more fear in your heart.
If you are dealing with any of the above, it is time to put a stop to it. Think about it; if you don't, you are the only one losing. Most people will not care, and those who care can't do much for you, because perhaps you don't even allow them in the first place!
So, if you are so buried that these are your day-to-day issues, don't worry. If you are willing to take the tiniest step possible that can show you too can progress and have a more balanced life, I am here for you. Please reach out.
How to stop people-pleasing
Now, what is left is some quick and easy advice for you to follow and stop the danger of being a people-pleaser:
- Practice saying no. Everything takes practice, even saying "no." As advised above, practice with some family and friends, and if they can't support you, it means they are not worth keeping in your life.
- Set boundaries and time limits. Don't quit cold turkey; as with everything, gradual is better. Take different situations to start to set those boundaries, and also make sure to put some limits on how much time you invest.
- Self-care and self-love. This one is a no-brainer. Do something for yourself, even if it's a little, but something every day. Little by little, you will learn to give yourself some priorities.
- Seek professional help. You are not alone, and if you are dealing with any of these problems, you are not alone. Contact Crisis Text Line if you need support. On top, I will be happy to help you add yourself to my healing list and support you with some personalized free healing, too, so feel free to reach out.
Conclusion
How to stop being a people pleaser is something that you need to know and apply in your life if you see too much people pleasing behavior on a regular basis. You only need to want to take more care of yourself.
How to not be a people pleaser is possible, not right after reading this, but with some day-by-day practice and effort. You are the most important person in your life, and you need to take proper care of yourself.
FAQ
Q: What does it mean to be a people pleaser?
A: A people pleaser means you are always putting others first, often sacrificing your happiness and well-being for fear of rejection and repression.
Q: Is people-pleasing the same as being kind or generous?
A: No, because a people pleaser will always need validation from a fear of rejection, almost as if expecting something in return (normally care or attention), while someone kind simply does it because they feel like it, expecting nothing.
Q: What are the common signs of people-pleasing behavior?
A: If you are avoiding conflict at all times, worried about other people's opinions, and overcommitting to everybody, you have a people-pleasing behavior from a low self-esteem point of view.
Q: Why do people become people pleasers?
A: Normally, because of childhood trauma, fear of rejection, leading to low self-esteem, and social conditioning can lead to this behavior.
Q: Can low self-esteem lead to people-pleasing tendencies?
A: Low self-esteem leads to people-pleasing tendencies because, while you don't find yourself worthy, you will always put others first and almost feel that you are here to only give to others. If you don't give to yourself, you won't be able to give to others.
Q: How does trauma contribute to people-pleasing?
A: If you are a people pleaser because of fear of rejection or confrontation, you are likely drawing this fear from your childhood years, where you experienced a traumatic situation and experienced these emotions too intensely.
Q: What are the negative effects of always trying to please others?
A: When you are constantly following a people-pleasing behavior, you lose self-esteem and become emotionally exhausted, bringing relationship issues while rendering you empty and lifeless.
Q: What are some strategies to stop people-pleasing?
A: Take the smallest step to at least get started with one of these: avoid over-apologizing, say no when necessary, prioritize your needs, and practice self-compassion.
Q: When should someone seek help for people-pleasing behavior?
A: If you feel your behavior is destroying your relationships, blocking you from feeling well, and only reinforcing burnout, but you can't do anything about it, make sure to both follow the advice of those who love you truly and, on top of that, if necessary, seek a professional mental health professional.
Q: Can therapy help someone stop being a people pleaser?
A: Yes, therapy can be super helpful to unlock the hidden reasons in your unconscious mind that are making you feel the need for constant external validation and low self-esteem.
If you are a people pleaser, don't worry; you only need to take one small step by starting to do something for yourself and not allowing anything to prevent it. If you can do this, you are already starting a big change. To keep on the subject, somewhat, the subject next week will be about the behavior of a self-sabotaging relationship, where, due to your conscious or unconscious behavior, you are pushing your partner away. Stay tuned for next week!
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I invite you to check earlier posts: ninth year, eighth year, seventh year, sixth year, fifth year, fourth year, third year, second year, and first year.
Love & Light,
Lots of blessings and abundance your way! (Home)
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